We are coming to the end of the first official week of campaigning for the up-coming Canadian election, and we here at the Spirit's Sword have scoured the newspapers and our imaginations to bring you the up to the minute innuendo and unfounded rumour. Here it is, in our special report.
Stephen Harper and the Conservatives.... yawn... wait, let me get a cup of coffee first. Better make that an espresso.
Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party are nearing the end of their first week of official campaigning, which was preceded by months of unofficial campaigning. Still unable to think of a single reason why anyone should vote for them, they are continuing to provide Canadians with reasons why we shouldn't vote for the Liberals. Our Spirit's Sword's investigators, mainly our former childhood imaginary friends, have uncovered the rejected slogans for the Tories' campaign:
The Conservative Party: We may be bad, but they're worse.
The Conservative Party: We have 20% less suckage than the other guys.
In other unconfirmed rumours, a reporter who referred to Stephen Harper as an 'arrogant son of a b***h' has been brought before the HRC in a class action suit by proud male canines who feel comparing them to Harper was both odious and degrading. A large settlement along with sanctions is expected.
Jack Layton and the N....D...........P........... Sorry, nodding here. Better make that a pot of Espresso.
In the last election, Jack Layton, leader of the NDP, stated it was his intention to become leader of the opposition. Unsatisfied with his failure to become leader of the opposition in the last election, he has set his sights on failing to become Prime Minister in this election. Layton has been campaigning in Tory stronghold of Alberta, and seems to think his campaign stands a chance. Anyone needing a reason not to vote Layton now has it: The man is clearly delusional.
In other unconfirmed rumours, another reporter who claimed Layton was "as dumb as a post" has been brought before the HRC in a class action suit by Canadian fence poles. They state in their suit they find comparison with Layton to be both odious and degrading. A large settlement and sanctions are expected.
Gilles Duceppe and.....
Coffee's not working. I'll just eat some grinds. It's faster.
Gilles Duceppe and the Bloc Quebecois were heard to mutter something about Quebec. It is still their stated intention to separate Quebec from the rest of Canada, that they may then proceed to exterminate themselves without interference from the speakers of other languages.
In unconfirmed rumours, after an intense week long search, a Canadian living outside of Quebec was located who claimed he actually cared about what Gilles and the Bloc thought/said/was thinking of saying and/or did. Unfortunately, the man died of terminal stupidity before any Spirit's Sword's representatives could reach him for an interview.
And lastly, the Liberrrraaaaallllllllsssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*snort* Wha-? Oh, sorry, nodded off there. Let me jab the back of my hand with a fork for a few minutes.
Unconfirmed rumours have it that the Liberals are aware that an election is taking place and are in fact thinking of mounting a campaign, but no confirmation of this rumour has been found as of press time. Also, the liberals are rumoured to be lead by a man called Stephan Dion, but the only evidence for this comes from Tory ads, which then go on to state that we should not vote for him. A debate has been sparked as to whether or not this 'Dion' actually exists, or if he is a straw man created by the Tories in a Machiavellian plot to retain power.
In other unconfirmed rumours, a reporter who called Stephan Dion a "lying sack of poop" has been brought before the HRC in a class action suit by recumbent bags of manure, who feel comparing them to Dion was both odious and degrading. A large settlement and sanctions are expected.
That's all for this week. This has been a Spirit's Sword Special Report. We'll be back next week with more news, if any actually occurs. Thank you and good night.