20 July 2011

Talking to mother

I often have peculiar phone conversations with my mother and other members of my family.  Last night, I had one that was a little more odd than usual.  The following is a transcript of the conversation.

Warning:  If you're a member of PETA, or otherwise care about furry critters, don't read any of what follows.

Puff, to me, while I am working in the garage, at about 10:30 at night:  Your mother's on the phone.  She says there's raccoon in her house.

Me:  I'm two hours away by transit.  What does she want me to do about it?

Puff:  Just try and calm her down.

Me, kissing any more of my precious shop time good-bye in Yosemite Sam fashion:  razzle fracking mumblemumblemumble.  I go upstairs to the phone.  Hi Mom, How are you doing?

Mom:  There's a raccoon in the house.

Me:  Where?

Mom:  In the basement.

Me:  Did you shut the door to keep it there?

Mom:  I'm not that senile.  Yet.

Me:  That's good. I  You seem to have the situation well in hand, and since there's nothing I can do I'll just...

Mom:  There is something you can do.

Me, kissing goodbye at any chance at a quick return to the the shop. What do you want me to do?

Mom: I need you to seal up the old milk box.  I think that's how he came in.

Me:  Tonight?

Mom:  No. The next time you're here.  I don't know where your bat is.

Me:  What bat?

Mom:  Sorry.  I was talking to your brother.

Me:  What's he doing?

Mom:  He was looking for the raccoon earlier, but he couldn't find it anywhere.

Me:  Are you sure it came in through the milk box?

Mom:  It must have.  They have paws like hands, you know.  He could open it.

Me:  Could he then close it from the inside so it locks on the outside?

Mom:  How else could he have come in?

Me:  You may have a hole in your wall down there somewhere.

Mom:  Don't say that.  I've so many troubles lately, and everything costs so much money.  I hope you're wearing thick gloves.

Me:  Why would I wear gloves?  It's hotter than heck out there.

Mom:  Not you.  Your brother.  If you think there's a hole down there, I want you to fix that too, the next time you're out here.

Me:  Argh.

Mom:  For now, I just want it out of my house.  He gave me such a fright when I saw him.  I screamed so loud your brother came running to see if I had been hurt.

Me:  If you can stand a shock like that, at least we know your heart's okay.

Mom:  Laughs.  That's not funny.

muffled bangs followed by muffled shouting.

Me:  Is that brother?

Mom:  Yes.  I wish he wouldn't use such language.

More shouting. 

Mom:  I hope you're praying for him.

Me:  You mean right now, or generally?

More shouting.  More banging.

Mom:  Both.  I think I need to go.   He's saying something about a box.

Me:  Mom, stay away from (click).

Puff:  How is she?

Me:  That's an interesting question.

Ten minutes later, the phone rings.

My brother, breathless:  Don't worry.  I've taken care of it.

Me:  What happened?

Him:  I killed it with my bat.  It took a while.  He didn't want to die.

Me:  (Inwardly: O crap) outwardly:  What are you going to do with it, now?

Him:  What do you mean?

Me:  Remember that guy a few weeks ago who killed a raccoon in his yard with a shovel and got charged for cruelty to animals?

Him:  It's different when it's in the house.  (pauses for a moment)  But to be safe, I'll wait until about 2 in the morning, then throw it in the road and drive over it a few times.  What do you think?

Me:  I didn't hear that.

At the end of it all, I feel sorry for the raccoon.


LarryD said...

Now that was funny!!!!

Anonymous said...

Yah Me too. beaten to death by a bat.sniff

Dim Bulb said...

Run over it with a car! What? Your mother can't cook?

Patience said...

Large raccoon: Find a random dumpster around 2am and dispose of same. Baby raccoons fit well in a green bin if pickup day isn't too far away. (but you didn't hear it from me)(our problem is we have dogs living in the back yard and when raccons visit like at 2am; they bark; loudly and the stupid/slow raccoons sometimes make it into the pen; it's a one way trip for them as my dogs are huskies and work as a team)

mary333 said...

GRIN! I'm not grinning about the racoon's death, mind you, but this story is hilarious!