25 April 2012

Speaking of morons...

...I give you Relationship Advice From the Experts!

In their tireless efforts to make everyone out there every bit as screwed up as themselves, the experts have produced ten relationship disasters to avoid, and in so doing, provide ten pieces of advice to avoid.  The advice is structured as women giving advice to men.  I comment upon it as a man, advising other men. The advice sounds good, but, on closer examination, it isn't.

1. Be equal partners.

When it comes to furniture, movies, or where you go to eat - don't be a dictator. 'Mutual respect is at the heart of a relationship - and that has to start from the beginning,' says Ian Kerner, sex and relationships expert. If she doesn't see you as equals, she's going to call it quits.

My comment:  Yeah, right. No relationship I have ever witnessed has ever had equality in all things, or anything.  In some matters one is in charge, in others the other one.  Equality in everything leads to bickering and fights in everything.  As for their examples:  honestly, what woman has ever given a rat's hindquarters over her husband's opinion of the furniture arrangement? That the 'expert' thought that was a fine example of equality in a relationship shows one thing:  They don't have a clue.

2.  Seduce her.

Tell her she's sexy. Often. 'For women, sexual self-esteem is so connected to the desire to have sex,' says Kerner. Keep it interesting outside of the bedroom. 'That's where so much of the real foreplay happens - the fun you're having together. If things aren't good outside the bedroom, you can't really have a good relationship inside the bedroom.'

My comment:  Yeah, right.   Because the bedroom is the be all and end all of any relationship.  We would all love to feel wanted and needed all the time in theory, but actually getting anywhere near that amount of attention would become a burden.  Basically, try and seduce her too often, (and what constitutes too often is her decision, and she does not give any warning when it is being approached) and it becomes a turn off, and she will say to you words to the effect of: "Is that all you think about?" and you will find yourself on the couch, bewildered, and wondering what happened, and where you went wrong.

Seducing a woman is a matter of approaching her when she is in a mood to be seduced.  Most men can't read women well enough to know when she is in that mood, and, after being rebuffed, they sit down and watch the ball game.  After being rebuffed enough times, they stop trying seduction altogether, because, what's the point?, and just go directly to the ball game.  The wife then tells her friends:  "I don't get it.  He never cared about sports before we got married."  Exactly, honey.  Exactly.

3.  Befriend her best friend.

 Her best friend will either love you or hate you. And if she hates you, she's not going to be shy about how you're always late, poorly styled, and obnoxious.

My comment: No. Just no.

4.  Never get too comfortable.

'As couples evolve, one danger is not putting in effort, or doing new things,' says Kerner. Even if you're going on 25 years, don't be lazy, and never take her for granted. Thank her. Kiss her when she comes in the door. And stop hitting that same restaurant down the street every Friday night - try a new place every month.

My comment:  What, exactly, is 'too comfortable'?  For those fortunate enough to go out every Friday night, have fun whereever you may be.  For the rest of us who are stuck at hime due to finances or kids or such, danger involves changing the channel from spouse's favourite show.  That definitely leads to a not too comfortable situation, in a hurry.

5.  Be available.

Texting/emailing/Facebooking just to get in touch gets old - fast. 'If you like her, she needs to know that you're trustworthy and reliable,' Kerner says. This means that you use your phone.

My comment:  Don't have a cell phone, texting thing or facebook account, so I don't know much about this.  I don't want any of that stuff, and actually like the fact that there are times in the day when no one can get in touch with me.  I do not understand this modern need to constantly be in touch and available.  Sounds here like the women are cling-ons, and I don't mean the sexy, ferocious Star Trek ones, either.

6.  Accept her faults.

If you're a neat freak and she's a slob, you can tell her that a carpet coated with clothes drives you nuts, but focus on her strengths. Sure she's a mess, but doesn't the fact that she keeps you organized outweigh that?

My comment:  Yes and no.  In the example given, if she's a mess, she will not help you get organized, but likely suck you into her mess as well.  If she has a problem with tidiness and everything else is okay, surrender and leave it.  If she's a hoarder, don't.

7.See things through her eyes.

If you're wrong, say you're wrong. If you're sorry, say sorry. It's not so hard.

My comment:  Not going there.

8.  Be nice to others.

It doesn't matter if you treat her like a princess. She's watching how you treat your mother, sister, aunt, cousin, neighbour, waitress, children on the street - and she cares.

My comment:  Yeah.  Riiiiiiight.  Lavish attention on that hot waitress.  You'll find out exactly how much she really cares.

9.  Listen, don't lecture.

"I  hear this from a lot of women,' says Kerner. ''When I tell him a problem, he wants to fix it or starts lecturing me when I just want him to be a friend.

My comment:  This is somewhat true, and men do not understand this.  When a man comes to another man with a problem, he wants advice as to how to fix this problem.  When a woman comes to man with a problem, she just wants to vent about her problem.  It seems incredible to men, but, to put in terms men understand, she doesn't actually want to fix the mess. She'd rather b!+ch about it with her friends, forever..  See point 6.

10. Don't Give Her Crap About How Much She Talks to Her Mother

It doesn't matter if it drives you nuts. Women talk to moms much more than men. Let it go, says Kerner.

My comment:  Really not going there.  The wife reads this blog, sometimes.

My final comment:  I already do most of what the article says.  My wife still has a long, exhaustive and alphabetized list of my faults, cross listed for easy reference and handy at all times.

So there you go.  The presumption behind this article is that men need advice from women as to the best way to run/ruin a relationship.  Bottom line: men, your relationships with women would be so much better if you were only women.

Also linked on the bottom of MSN for one of these bullet points is an article entitled 5 New Sex Positions.  Didn't read it, but my comment:  Yeah.  Right.  This can only come from generation narcissus, the one that discovered sex, and believes that sex is the be all and end all of human existence, and that anything done in the name of sex is fair and square.  But, speaking as someone who has seen Roman Bath house and Grotto frescoes, who has read Pepys, Cassanova, De Sade, Boswell and many others, let me put it bluntly:  They have found nothing new, and trust me, they have nothing to teach anyone from any other generation about sex.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think I read this when you first posted it and loved your remrks - very funny!

It seems incredible to men, but, to put in terms men understand, she doesn't actually want to fix the mess. She'd rather b!+ch about it with her friends, forever..

This also is really funny. Speaking only for myself however, it's true that in the past I have normally wanted empathy from my husband more than advice. It is still true that I want empathy above all else, but now I can appreciate that men do really want to help - because they're men and that's what they do. I guess I used to think more that I could solve my own problems, which indeed I can, but I'm much more prepared to listen to Nick's advice these days. Now I think these things can lead to more emotional intimacy between spouses and that's a good thing. The trouble with the relationship experts like these is that they come out of that horrible Feminist view of the world. I mean, yes of course I'm capable of solving my own problems, but I've got toddlers who yell at me "I can do it myself!" and I just wonder half the time whether Feminism has perhaps kept women in this "I don't need you" place.

Just typing out loud.