Here's something for the Why My Wife Hates Me/I Love Being A Man file. The following is true, although it may be somewhat.... embellished. I debated not publishing this, but I've been seeing a lot of "men/husbands are clueless stoopid infants" in my feed lately, and I thought I'd fire back. I call it "Buying Shoes":
I am heading out the door. I have a lot to do today. Wife spots me on the way out.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Got some errands to run.
Wife: Which errands?
Me: Well, my shoes are wrecked, so first I have to go to the shoe store, then...
Wife: You're going to buy shoes? I need some new shoes, too. Can I come?
Me: Well, er, I have a lot to do today, so it'll only be a quick stop at the store, so...
Wife: I can be quick! I'll get my purse.
She runs off to get her purse.
Me (inwardly): Darn.
Ten minutes later.
Wife: Have you seen my purse?
Another ten minutes.
Me (feeling the day slipping away): Are you coming or not?
Wife: I'll be down in a minute!
I sit down.
Twenty minutes later.
Wife: Sorry about that, but I had to find my purse, and then I decided that if we were going out I should put on some makeup and then...
At the store.
Me: Men's shoes are over there. I'll go get mine and meet you at the cash.
Wife: No way, I need your help to pick shoes. (Perhaps seeing look on my face) Don't worry, I'll be fast. And then I can help you pick yours.
Me: (Inwardly) Do I look five? (Outwardly): Promise?
Wife: Promise.
Soon afterwards.
Wife: What do you think of these?
Me: (sincerely) Those look nice.
Wife: You think so?
Me: How do they feel?
Wife: They feel okay...
Me: (pleased that this really didn't take too long) That settles it, then. Let's...
Wife: Just wait a second. I think I want to try those ones on before I decide.
Ten minutes later.
Wife: What about these ones?
Me: They're fine.
Ten minutes after that.
Wife: What about these ones?
Me: They're fine too.
Anther ten minutes.
Wife: How about these?
Fifteen minutes later.
I've realized why bears will chew a leg off to get out of a trap.
Another ten minutes.
Wife: What about these?
Me: Didn't you try those on earlier?
Wife: I thought I'd take a second look, but I don't like them this time, either.
Ten minutes later.
I am pondering a conversation with St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter: You ended your own life, throwing away God's most precious gift to you. I cannot let you in.
Me: But, Pete, I was stuck in a shoe store with my wife! There was no other way out!
St Peter: Did you say you were in a shoe store with your wife? Why didn't you say so in the first place? That qualifies as extenuating circumstance. Come on in!
Fifteen minutes later.
Wife: I've narrowed it down to these two. Which do you prefer?
Me: (Not caring in the least and just hoping to end it as soon as possible to salvage just some of my day.) Those.
Wife: Are you sure? I think I prefer these ones.
Ten minutes later.
Wife: Now that I think of it, I don't like either.
Ten minutes later.
Wife: There. These are the ones I want.
Me: Aren't those the first ones you tried on?
Wife: Well, yes, but I had to be sure. I'm sorry it took a little longer than five minutes, but I love you for waiting for me. Now we can pick out some shoes for you. Oh look, you have so many to choose from...
Me: Not really.
Wife: What do you mean?
Me: Watch. (Speaking to one of the staff) You, overworked and underappreciated wage slave.
Wage slave: Yes sir?
Me: What do you have in size thirteen?
Wage slave: Ooooh, not much. Just those... and those.
Me: Thanks.
I grab the closer of the two pairs. I try them on. The fit is acceptable. I put the shoes in the box and start heading for the cash. I notice I am walking alone. I turn around and see my wife glaring at me.
Me: What?
Wife: I hate you.
And that's why I love being a man.
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