28 January 2016

On the buying of shoes.

Here's something for the Why My Wife Hates Me/I Love Being A Man file. The following is true, although it may be somewhat.... embellished. I debated not publishing this, but I've been seeing a lot of "men/husbands are clueless stoopid infants" in my feed lately, and I thought I'd fire back. I call it "Buying Shoes":

I am heading out the door. I have a lot to do today. Wife spots me on the way out.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: Got some errands to run.

Wife: Which errands?

Me: Well, my shoes are wrecked, so first I have to go to the shoe store, then...

Wife: You're going to buy shoes? I need some new shoes, too. Can I come?

Me: Well, er, I have a lot to do today, so it'll only be a quick stop at the store, so...

Wife: I can be quick! I'll get my purse.

She runs off to get her purse.

Me (inwardly): Darn.

Ten minutes later.

Wife: Have you seen my purse?

Another ten minutes.

Me (feeling the day slipping away): Are you coming or not?

Wife: I'll be down in a minute!

I sit down.

Twenty minutes later.

Wife: Sorry about that, but I had to find my purse, and then I decided that if we were going out I should put on some makeup and then...

At the store.

Me: Men's shoes are over there. I'll go get mine and meet you at the cash.

Wife: No way, I need your help to pick shoes. (Perhaps seeing look on my face) Don't worry, I'll be fast. And then I can help you pick yours.

Me: (Inwardly) Do I look five? (Outwardly): Promise?

Wife: Promise.

Soon afterwards.

Wife: What do you think of these?

Me: (sincerely) Those look nice.

Wife: You think so?

Me: How do they feel?

Wife: They feel okay...

Me: (pleased that this really didn't take too long) That settles it, then. Let's...

Wife: Just wait a second. I think I want to try those ones on before I decide.

Ten minutes later.

Wife: What about these ones?

Me: They're fine.

Ten minutes after that.

Wife: What about these ones?

Me: They're fine too.

Anther ten minutes.

Wife: How about these?

Fifteen minutes later.

I've realized why bears will chew a leg off to get out of a trap.

Another ten minutes.

Wife: What about these?

Me: Didn't you try those on earlier?

Wife: I thought I'd take a second look, but I don't like them this time, either.

Ten minutes later.

I am pondering a conversation with St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter: You ended your own life, throwing away God's most precious gift to you. I cannot let you in.

Me: But, Pete, I was stuck in a shoe store with my wife! There was no other way out!

St Peter: Did you say you were in a shoe store with your wife? Why didn't you say so in the first place? That qualifies as extenuating circumstance. Come on in!

Fifteen minutes later.

Wife: I've narrowed it down to these two. Which do you prefer?

Me: (Not caring in the least and just hoping to end it as soon as possible to salvage just some of my day.) Those.

Wife: Are you sure? I think I prefer these ones.

Ten minutes later.

Wife: Now that I think of it, I don't like either.

Ten minutes later.

Wife: There. These are the ones I want.

Me: Aren't those the first ones you tried on?

Wife: Well, yes, but I had to be sure. I'm sorry it took a little longer than five minutes, but I love you for waiting for me. Now we can pick out some shoes for you. Oh look, you have so many to choose from...

Me: Not really.

Wife: What do you mean?

Me: Watch. (Speaking to one of the staff) You, overworked and underappreciated wage slave.

Wage slave: Yes sir?

Me: What do you have in size thirteen?
Wage slave: Ooooh, not much. Just those... and those.

Me: Thanks.

I grab the closer of the two pairs. I try them on. The fit is acceptable. I put the shoes in the box and start heading for the cash. I notice I am walking alone. I turn around and see my wife glaring at me.

Me: What?

Wife: I hate you.

And that's why I love being a man.

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