14 November 2008

From the Mailbox

A co-worker e-mailed me this. It purports to be an Obituary printed in the London Times. Judging from the references, this is rather old, but it is still true and still funny.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

Why the early bird gets the worm;

Life isn't always fair;

and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion his daughter, Responsibility, and his son Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights.

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim .

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

I would have concluded "because so few knew him."

A question for you liturgical musicians: If we were to have a funeral for Common Sense, what Mass setting should we use?

Further note: The woman who spilled the cup of coffee in her lap was Stella Liebeck. In honour of Ms Liebeck, a man whose name I have forgotten launched the True Stella Awards website. It names outrageous and frivolous lawsuits. If you wish to have a laugh, or depress yourself over how stupid our race has become, check it out.

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