The Race for the Bottom

I don't normally write about politics, on account of the fact that I hate politics. and politicians, and all that jazz. The reasons why are once again on display with the race for Mayor.

The candidates, every last one of them, stink. The front runner, Rob Ford, is a fiscal conservative for a change. I could go for someone who wants to take a more limited approach to money, as opposed to the usual let's-spend-our-way-out-of-trouble approach to budgets or lack thereof. Unfortunately, Ford is a moron. Among his promises is the building of a subway extension within the nest three years. This is utterly impossible. Subways need to be carefully planned, carefully surveyed, the ground tested, hearings and inquiries to be held, land to be appropriated, and so on, so that if Ford decided today to build that subway, it is likely that the first few feet of tunnel would not be dug for the next ten years, and anyone who does not know that should not be entrusted with the office. Furthermore, yesterday he made the pronouncement that marathons which block city streets should be moved to the city parks. Again, what park in Toronto is large enough to hold thousands of runners as they complete a twenty mile course? I'll give you the answer: none. It's impossible. Again, if Ford does not know that, he should never sit in that chair.

So, what about the opponents? Pretty much universally terrible. What is troubling is that some councillors and candidates have spoken about the possibility of a Ford victory and have said the council will not support Ford, and most likely they will appoint a shadow mayor who will run the show. One even went so far as to say after polls indicated Ford in the lead: "I think all the intelligent voters realize Ford isn't up to the job." This was a justification for the appointing of a shadow Mayor. In other words: democracy will not apply if we don't get the man we want. We're smarter than you, we know what you really need.

So, whom do I support? On the whole, I would much rather vote to have the whole darn lot of them put on death row rather than have them put into office. Therefore, instead of saying whom I support, let me say what I would like to see in a mayor. I would like to see a candidate who promises to do nothing. I would like to have a candidate who stands at the podium and says: "If elected mayor, I promise that I will kiss babies and shake hands. I will smile for the camera as I cut ribbons and slice cakes at openings of significant buildings, parades and science fiction conventions. I will preside at civic banquets and mourn at the funerals of our firemen and police officers. But most of all, I will sit in my office and collect the largest pay cheque I have ever earned in my life. All this and possibly less I will do if you vote for me."  Now that's a platform I could support.